Pete Hegseth Gives Terrible Advice for Oil Tankers Trapped By Iran

Saturday Night Live‘s Pete Hegseth has a solution for oil tankers stuck in the Strait of Hormuz by the threat of Iranian mines: do what he used to do at DUI checkpoints.

The Defense secretary (Colin Jost) was summoned by Donald Trump (James Austin Johnson) at a gas station after the president tried to explain away his broken campaign promises of no new wars and low gas prices. And Hegseth, emerging from the back seat of a family’s car along with dozens of empty beer cans, began by complaining about the press questioning him and the administration about the war, which reportedly cost about $11.3 billion in just the first week.

“The news is: we won! Hashtag ‘winning!’ So you can stop asking me all about it. Don’t even worry about it,” he said. “The real problem is all you gaybies—gay babies, copyright—all you gaybies in the media are completely unpatriotic, okay? They’re using what I do and say to make me look like a fool!”

He continued: “And all you dweebs, stop saying the Strait of Hormuz is closed: it’s wide open.”

After Iran shut it down, causing oil and gas prices to spike, Trump told oil tankers to just “show some guts”—despite the mines. And SNL‘s Hegseth was on the same page.

“If you’re an oil tanker, and you’re driving it, and you see one of those mines, do what I do at a DUI checkpoint: close your eyes and gun it!” instructed Hegseth.